Je regrette chien: why French bulldogs are being dumped

Name: French bulldog.

Age: As individuals, unlikely to be more than 12 years old. As a species, about 150.

Appearance: Like a real dog, but not quite. Resembles a cartoon dog that has crashed into a van.

Is this a Brexit thing? Are people’s beloved pets going to be deported? At last, a real scandal instead of all this rubbish about desperate migrants. No. Battersea Dogs & Cats Home is being besieged by an influx of the unwanted dogs. So far this year, 29 have been taken in, compared with 11 in the same period last year and seven the year before that.

Are they taking valuable resources from other dogs? Native breeds? I think this is a Brexit thing. French bulldogs are a popular celebrity pet –

Ooh, who’s got one? Lady Gaga, Holly Willoughby, The Rock, Russell Tovey, Reese Witherspoon, Madonna ...

Hang on – just looking up their Instagram accounts … Yes, look! So cute! So doggy! Me want! Where can I get one? At Ill-Thought-Out-Decisions-R-Us.

What do you mean? So cute! So doggy! Look how small! This is why so many are ending up at Battersea. People see them online and don’t realise how many health problems they have.

That doesn’t matter! I will nurse mon petit chien through toutes ses maladies! Or how expensive those health problems can be.

Pardon? The breathing difficulties caused by the animal’s foreshortened face can set you back £1,700 for surgery to clear their airways.

Tu es joking? Non. Those endless obstructions – and the fact that their mouths swell in hot weather, forcing them to fight for breath even further – are what makes them so adorably snuffly.

I guess the likes of Madonna don’t really register that kind of outlay. No. Nor the other five grand a year it can cost to ameliorate the skin, eye and ear problems to which they are also extremely prone.

That is a lot of pounds sterling per pound of hound. It is. And that’s before you put a price on the suffering of the perennially gasping dog itself.

Yeah, sure, that too. The head vet at Battersea, Shaun Opperman, says: “You could ask: is this a breed that should be being bred?”

But so pretty on Insta! And would go with all my clothes. I hope your airways become obstructed, and soon.

Do say: “Adopt, don’t shop.”

Don’t say: “One more farmed puppy can’t hurt!”